The Curse - A Voyage to Break the Spell

“Codependency can be many things- low self esteem, a haunting sense of incompleteness and victimization, abandonment of emotions and power, fear of loss of control- but essentially it operates like a curse.” A curse?! Well, shit.

I’m reading a book about codependency by Melody Beattie titled, Playing it By Heart, Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What. It caught my eye because I would like to learn to take better care of myself no matter what. I spend far too much time caring for, waiting for, and worrying about others. This has placed me, metaphorically, alone in a blizzard with no jacket too often.

I often emulate this description of co-dependency and it truly can feel like a curse. People who don’t understand or live with co-dependency have sometimes been confused by my self-destructive search for love and security in places where it cannot be found. After all, feeling safe and secure is an inside job.

Melody goes on to say… “it’s an embarrassing affliction. It has no glamour, no dignity whatsoever. It’s causes, it’s symptoms and manifestations are rooted in the hurt, weak, childish impulses nobody wants to admit: fear of abandonment and authority, the desire to pacify and please. At its heart is the struggle to control the uncontrollable, to ensure love and security, to make the unsafe safe.” Yes. Yes, it is.

I understand how I became co-dependent and in the depths of my soul I feel like I may have been born co-dependent. We are all dependent on each other and that isn't a bad thing, but co-dependency is a different dynamic that can result in an energy depleting cycle if untreated.

My mother was sick and frail while she was pregnant with me and I was born to save her. At least that’s how I saw it for most of my life. With love and the best intention she wrote a poem for me when I was a little girl, around age 8:

Little angel full of light

God sent you to brighten my night

Of all the stars in the sky above

You truly do abound with love

I read this now and I see a mother’s pure love for her child, but as a child I read it as the contract to be the angel to save my mom. A contract I clearly couldn’t fulfill – controlling the uncontrollable, ensuring security and making the unsafe safe. An impossible job for a child, or adult. But I would never stop trying.

For over a decade, I’ve researched co-dependency, participated in 12-step groups for co-dependency and done quite a bit of work to stop the “curse”. It’s frustrating to come out of one of my spells into reality and see that I may have done it again - given more than my share and poured all of me into another person. I gave away my jacket again.

I’m not saying it’s bad to look to another person for love and fulfillment – it’s human nature and we were created to live in partnership. We need to be able to rely on one another and create trusting bonds. All people desire love. Those of us with co-dependency issues can step over a line where we disregard our own needs to please or save others and empty our cup, so to speak, leaving us feeling abandoned, resentful and incredibly thirsty.

With my increased knowledge and understanding of myself, I see things more clearly and I’m able to see the part I play. I still shush my intuition and attempt to control the uncontrollable, but it’s not as natural as it used to be. Perhaps that’s me breaking the curse piece by piece? Or is it just the same wolf in a different sheep’s clothing?

My current round of clawing my way through attempts to control the uncontrollable (other people and situations) is a real shit-show. The feelings of betrayal and abandonment overcome me at times and “letting go” isn’t usually my first thought. I’m in a different place in life now with my kids being grown and away from home doing life and college. There is nobody around to care for or shower with love. Nobody in the house to look to for reassurance or focus on, except me. Definitely unfamiliar territory and not my comfort zone.

I’m currently on a plane descending into Maui, Hawaii. I planned the trip originally with the intention of a Valentine get-away for my boyfriend and me together. I’m still taking the trip and that is a power decision different than what I would have done in past years. I still feel anxiety, grief and abandonment and I slip into dark places, but I’m taking one step at a time to care for myself.

When I feel the waves of grief and fear pouring over me, I’m re-focusing my mind. When the thoughts of alone-unloved-abandoned-betrayed are screaming in my mind, I can re-write the story and create a new reality. I’m writing about my feelings because I feel called to do so. It’s therapeutic and I believe it may help someone else with understanding, or working through their own issues.

What I know for sure is it won’t be this way forever. My mom passed away and I’m still here. I’ve been through several profound life events and I’m still here. My step-son took his life and I’m still here. I’m here on an airplane taking myself to see my friend and have some tropical solitude and soul replenishing fun and rest. I believe I deserve it. Surely this is lessening the power of the curse.

I will work on loving myself during this time. People I admire say it’s pretty cool to love yourself and it can be life changing – body, mind and spirit. I’ve had periods of self-love and appreciation during the past 12 years in my recovery program and I’m excited to get back there. Who knows what’s around the corner?

I’ll be back stronger than ever. Buckle up. I’m landing.