Eyes

My mother, Erin, was severely disabled by the time I was a teenager. She moved to a nursing home when I turned 18, not only because our government aid stopped, but because she didn’t want me to spend my “independent” years taking care of her.

After moving to the nursing home, her symptoms continued to worsen. She had difficulty speaking which, in a matter of a few short years, turned into not speaking at all. This was due to muscle atrophy, tremors and also severe neuralgia paint in her jaw. My mother tried different surgeries to ease the nerve pain. Cutting the nerve in the neck was a remedy she tried twice with no success in stopping the severe pain.

She also lost her ability to eat food. She would choke so badly that it was painful and terrifying. Finally, she agreed to a feeding tube in order to get the proper nutrients and avoid choking to death. This stopped the choking but created a new set of issues,

Most of the time when she had a doctor appointment or surgery I was asked to accompany her. It was important I was present to communicate for her, especially after she lost her ability to speak.

I remember her on the operating table during her feeding tube procedure. I remember them slicing her belly and running the tube in and out of her stomach to her mouth to make sure it was inserted properly. She was numb but alert for the procedure and she talked to me with her eyes. They would ask her questions and I knew the answers by looking at her eyes. We communicated this way often. She would tell me what she needed, ask questions and even crack jokes with nothing more than her eyes.

Looking back, our deep intuitive connection and her ability to communicate with me with her eyes only seems amazing. At the time it was just what it was – communicating with mom for mom.

I don’t often consider the power of my eyes to communicate feelings since my mom has been gone over 20 years. As I consider the many non-verbal people in the world I am in awe of all the silent conversations that must be happening at this very moment. It’s a beautiful thing to be so present and attuned to someone that no words are needed.

I hear you mom and I love you.