Happily Ever After

Even if we don't want to admit it, we all want to live "happily ever after", don't we? It's not that I am delusional about life's ups and downs, or expect that I will find a fairy tale romance to carry me through the rest of my life, but there are plenty of times I fantasize that I could find exactly that. It would feel pretty darn good to know I'm secure, loved and cared for by a reliable, trustworthy "knight in shining armor".

I've been married twice and almost married a third time. Not the greatest track record for happily ever after, but I try not to kick my ass about it. There were a lot of circumstances that contributed to these relationships ending even though there were many days I was sure they could last forever. There is a lingering sadness about the ending of each one and a fear in the back of mind that I may be "alone" forever.

I understand the concept of a fairytale romance is based on a false premise—an idealized version of reality. And, I know those appear-to-be-perfect relationships have extreme ups and downs I know nothing about. In spite of that knowing, I experience occasional waves of jealousy that I don't have the love of a devoted man in my life. I don't have the wished for "happily ever after".

In February 2022, I took my first trip to Guatemala to participate in home building service work combined with tourism activities. Part of this adventure took me to the stunningly beautiful destination of La Casa del Mundo at Lake Atitlan. I woke up at sunrise in my fairy tale room on the cliff overlooking the lake early on February 14th - Valentine's Day. You know, the day for couples to express their undying fairy tale, happily-ever-after, love.

I took my journal down to the cliffside cafe overlooking the lake and the several surrounding volcanos. I was the first customer in the cafe that early morning. I ordered a cup of coffee and sat by an open window on this perfect sunny day at a table for two. Each table was adorned with a colorful table cloth and small flower vase with Happy Valentine's Day signs in English and Spanish. Romantic music was playing softly in the background, and for a moment I felt sadness that I was in this beautiful place alone on Valentine's Day. I felt a pain in my heart and a longing to share the moment with a lover,

My thoughts quickly turned to gratitude and the longing evaporated as I looked out at the spectacular view and basked in the reality that I was there at that table with flowers in this spectacular place on the earth.

Who brought me there? I did.

Who was I with in this most perfect moment? Myself.

I smiled as a wave of love and joy washed over me. I had a revelation - I am the only one who can truly promise me my "happily ever after" with absolute certainty. Even if another person pledges "until death do us part", "for richer for poorer", I don't know what the future will bring. I do know that even if I wanted to break vows to myself, I will still be there for the long-haul. I will be there when I'm sick, rich, poor, sad, happy and so on. I am the only one who can promise to be there every moment right down to the second when my life is ending.

This whole life experience with all it's contrasts of joy and pain will be experienced the way I choose to experience it. I hope to have a lover to enjoy the journey with me, and I will always have myself.

I can vow to be reliable and trustworthy and shower myself with love and care for the rest of my days, even if nobody else is there.

It's comforting to know, and important to remind myself, I will be my "happily ever after", no matter what the future holds for me.