Claw Marks – For God Sake, Just Let Go

At one time or another we’ve all heard, “Let Go” or “Let Go and Let God”. When I first heard this phrase used in literal terms I thought to myself, “Oh my God, how dumb is that?! What the hell does that even mean anyway?”

Like many of us, I grew up in what I will call ‘survival mode’ for lack of a better term. And, I have continued to live most of my life in survival mode. If I want something and it isn’t happening my way, I forge forward to make it happen. I take care of things, I’m a do-er, a go-getter, a strong, tenacious woman who learned self sufficiency at a young age. This is a great asset, until it isn't.

When I entered a 12-step program in 2007 for the purpose of coping with a loved ones' addiction, I saw this phrase on the wall and heard many members saying it as they shared their personal stories – “Let Go and Let God.” It was hard not to shut off my hearing as they talked about God taking care of things for them. I thought they were religious fanatics who were delusional and ridiculous. I wondered how the heck their “letting go” was supposed to work. Who would pay bills and take care of chores? Who would manage my life? God? Yeah, right?! I firmly believed, without my hard work and effort nothing would ever happen in my life and I would crumble into nothing.

At the time, I was very involved in my church and attended service most Sundays. I prayed and believed in God, Creator of all things. It never occurred to me that I didn’t trust God. I think most humans live by self-propulsion whether we like to admit it or not.

If I wanted or needed something and it wasn’t going my way or I feared I may lose what I had, I hung on for dear life most of the time. I’m saying this in past tense, but it’s still my default in many situations to hang on to the detriment of myself. It’s not something I’m proud of but I know I’m not alone. The world is full of humans just like me trying to ensure security and happiness with only their limited vision of life and possibilities and very little, if any, trust in a bigger force in the universe.

I am a powerful woman capable of so many things. Successful, independent, adventurous, loving and incredibly generous among other wonderful things. When fear grips me, I forget who I am. I lose sight of how far I’ve come, everything I’ve accomplished and the limitless possibility in my future. I grasp for situations and people that often are not even good for me with the delusion I am not safe or capable of being okay without them.

Have you ever seen Devil’s Tower in Wyoming? The Lakota tribe calls it Bear Lodge…… The native legends say the impressions in the gigantic rock in the middle of the Wyoming plains were caused by claw marks of a huge bear “Mato” as the bear tried to get two lost boys who climbed the rock for protection. The bear tried over and over and kept sliding back down the steep face leaving what appear to be deep claw marks in the huge rock. I often think of Devil’s Tower as a good metaphor for my own claw marks as I attempt to hang on to people or situations instead of letting go and letting God.

It was in the summer of 2007 that I finally understood what it meant to let go and let God. I had been reading and praying and trying desperately to grasp the teaching. Then one July afternoon as I was sitting in the sun, it hit me. I felt the world lift off my shoulders. So much weight lifted off of me, I felt as if I could float right out of the chair. I had a spiritual experience that is difficult to describe in words and a feeling of absolute peace and serenity washed over me. In that moment I understood in my heart, soul and mind that everything that happens in my life is not up to me. It sounds incredibly obvious and simple but up until that point I couldn’t grasp this truth through my ingrained belief that I must manage and control my life for my well-being and survival.

I realized I had prayed to God and believed in God, but I hadn’t trusted God to take care of me. I wish I could tell you that this trust in God has been unwavering. It hasn't. It's imperative that I connect daily to Creator in order to maintain or even glimpse the sense of peace I felt at that time in my life. At least now that I know it’s possible, I know what I’m seeking.

It’s still up to me to take right actions, set clear intentions, care for myself and contribute my best to life, but the outcomes are not up to me. The concept is simple, but my human wants and needs trip me up and I’m reminded it’s a slippery slope. It’s hard not to force and cling and claw through difficulties when you want something so badly your body aches and your mind is telling you it is something you must have.

I still claw my way through painful situations and I still fear for my life when my life is actually not in danger at all. I also still wake each day and attempt to connect with God, or at least remember something is out there bigger than me. Then, I practice learning and growing from my pain and discomfort instead of running or forcing my way. That's a victory, right?

Today I understand "Letting Go" and I don’t scoff at people who say it, believe it and practice it. Today, I look to these people for guidance and support when I waver and they carry me when I can’t carry myself. Eventually, my fog of doubt lifts and I can see the Sunlight of the Spirit once again, and release my grip.